I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
