So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
