If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
