I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
