Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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