Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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