remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He? As in you personified your dick?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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