If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
