I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She bit a glass in half.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
