Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
not ubering you a puppy
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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