The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
