ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize