I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize