Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
