There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
