i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
