I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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