remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize