I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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