You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
