This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
