Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
