he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
