Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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