I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
foreskin is a definite game changer
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize