K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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