i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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