I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
