I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Randomize
