I just threw up on my dentist
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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