A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
