i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
