textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
