i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize