omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
