my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
