Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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