I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
