I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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