you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize