I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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