I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
