When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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