my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
they need to just BURY HIM!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
