I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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