there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
