The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
