So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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