Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize