I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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