Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
