Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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