his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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