I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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