your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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