Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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