I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
