I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
