woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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