Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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