During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
