I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
