there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
