I wish I could teleport
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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