Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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