She's JV to your varsity
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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