dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
