I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
