you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Someone came in the potted fern
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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