And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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